A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
