I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
