just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
