"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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