I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
