I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
