Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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