I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
