I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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