Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
This is the high leading the old right now
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
