One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
