I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
