i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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