he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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