my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
im holly from the hills drunk
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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