Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
