How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
