false alarm. still invincible.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
