In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
