I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize