I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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