I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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