apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize