we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
