hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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