that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize