if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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