the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
