you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize