Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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