im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
