I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just forgot I was standing up.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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