The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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