so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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