im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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