what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
