Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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