I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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