i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
