I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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