11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize