My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
