I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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