her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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