Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
