god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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