he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
