You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize