my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
