Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
