Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize