im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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