Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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