My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
