great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
