my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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