I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize