Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
