I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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