wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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