Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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