the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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