I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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