I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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