Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
