Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
