Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
