dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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