I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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