There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
