just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
